Date: May 11, 2011
Mr. Kenneth Dalglish,
Manager – Liverpool Football Club,
Anfield Road, Liverpool, L4 0TH
Sub: Transfer Request
Hope this letter finds you in the best of health. I apologize for not turning up for training today since I was suffering from a really bad mood as I mentioned in the text message I sent you.
I would like to bring your attention to a more pressing issue at hand, or at least my hands it seems. The issue about my involvement in what you call the first team of the Liverpool Football Club.
Sir, every since you and Mr. Steve Clark have come on board, I have had a terrible run on the field. When I was young, I was given to understand that football is a game played by a team of 11 versus another similar set. I’m surprised to see that although you’re worshipped by all the supporters, stakeholders, players etc of the club, I do not form a part of the 11. May be you have not noticed, but I really do not get to play football! In the past four months or so, the ball hardly comes to me. Ever since you joined, the total goals scored have only been 14 (as against 27 before you did). This statistic would mean that the defense and the goalkeeper have been stronger but my worry is that most of the work is done by the defenders that you pick and have trained.
During the last regime, every midfielder and defender was looking to pass the ball to me. Then I was supposed to hoof the ball at the striker. These days, even the defenders don’t pass the ball to me. The young guys have so much confidence that they tackle and dribble and pass the ball away to the midfield, or worse, they themselves make a run in to the opposing half. Even in other teams, there is so much focus on goalkeepers, like Tottenham and Arsenal.
Apart from the obvious desire of touching and kicking the football at football stadiums, there are other personal issues as well. My wife called me up in the half time of the Fulham game and was wondering what I was doing in London as if she was suspecting that I had lied that I would be playing with your team in the game. I understand her worries since the ball hardly came to me and my TV appearance was blink-and-you-miss. She promises that she didn’t blink too many times that evening. Even my agent and sponsors are getting worried. They say that I’m not getting too much TV time and it’s hurting my recognition among the fans and thus reducing the brand value. The momentum that you have cultivated in the team is so high that even after the first goal, the action shifted so quickly that I was hardly on TV. So much so, that I had to kick the ball away and make the referee give me a yellow card just to be on camera for a few seconds. It was helpful in preserving my vanity for the night.
Sir, such has been the performances of the rest of the blokes that even young kids like Flano and Robbo get so much TV time. With all due respect to Maxi, he was hardly on the substitutes bench earlier but now he is always on TV and newspapers. His wife made some really wonderful tacos the other day for him while I had to order pizza. He was taking a dig at me on phone. I was so jealous.
I should thank you for atleast mentioning me the other day about the balls I played that created a goal against Birmingham.
There were times when I was called into great saves. The defenders were lacking confidence, the strikers were nearer my post. I had so much company. There were so many attempts on my goal that I had so much TV time. My wife never doubted me. These days I only get to chat with Carra near the post. As scouse as I am now, there is still time before I start understanding what he says. The other day he said something but I could only understand he said ‘chair’ somewhere in between. I think he was suggesting that I should bring a chair along with me.
Given the above circumstances, I would like to submit a formal transfer request. I would now like to play more part in the outfield. You’ve made Dirk and Maxi into such prolific scorers. Jay and Lucas are never shy of taking a attempt. Raul had a super run under you. For God’s sake, even Joe Cole has scored! Please transfer me to the midfield so that I too can play football and can get rid of the above mentioned issues.
Jose Manuel Pepe Reina
Hope that the readers find it quite revealing. Thanks! ;-)